Striving and waiting.

I hesitate to write this because I'm not sure that there's a lot of "redeeming" quality here. I'm having a day of self-doubt and second-guessing. I resonate King Solomon when he said,

"All things are full of weariness;

         a man cannot utter it;
    the eye is not satisfied with seeing,

        nor the ear filled with hearing.

What has been is what will be,

         and what has been done is what will be done,         and there is nothing new under the sun."

     (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

Even as I write that out, however, I battle in my soul. Solomon wrote those things because he was striving to experience everything that the world has to offer. In the end, he came to the conclusion that he wanted to share with his son: "The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil" (Ecclesiastes 12:13-13). I'm already there-- my life is a striving after the heart of God. I long to be able to "discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect" (Romans 12:2b), and I know that that can only come by letting my mind be transformed into the mind of Christ over time by submission through the working of the Holy Spirit.

This afternoon feels a bit like a failure. I know that that's not true, but it's tough to get past the fact that I feel like every instinct I have today is wrong. I can't be the only one who feels like this occasionally. I'd really like to just climb into bed and watch a good movie, but I'm too edgy to enjoy much of anything and have no idea what I'd want to watch anyway. Don't I sound like a barrel of fun?

A recurring life-theme of the past couple of weeks is that I wish that God wouldn't let me make decisions. Or better yet, I wish he'd flat-out tell me what decisions will be best for me and then allow me to decide if that's the way I'd like to go or not. But I don't think that God works like that. I think that the Holy Spirit definitely leads me--Solomon observed that "A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9)--but I don't think that that means that he tells me everything that I should do. I get to choose what kind of toothpaste I'll use each day. Could God direct me toward a specific toothpaste? Of course. But does he? Well, I've certainly never felt let by him for decisions like that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen, I guess.

I need to be more patient. I have definitely not learned how to be patient when there's a decision looming and I haven't sensed a direction given by God yet. I am not sure if he'll tell me exactly what to do, but I do know that I can ask him for wisdom. The Bible says that that's a prayer that'll be answered (James 1:5). Of course, as I went to look that verse up I saw the ones right before it: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4). 

The testing of my faith produces steadfastness. Ugh. OK, Father-- I'm game. But please help those around me to be patient while I go through this incredibly moody period of time. And PLEASE help me to snap out of it.