Some trust in charter schools... ;)

Oy. I got a bit of slightly disappointing news today, and it kind of rocked me around in my shoes a bit. (Yeah, I think I just made that analogy up, but I'm OK with that.)

A few months ago, my husband and I made the decision to enroll our younger daughter, KK, in a charter school for next fall, while continuing to homeschool our daughter Liz. We have been pretty psyched about this school-- small class sizes, lots of one-on-one evaluations and time, personal evaluations every 3 months so that she can always be right where she needs to be in every subject (they move around to different classes, so that they are working with other kids who are at the same reading level, math level, etc with them, no matter what age they are), year-round school, great dress-codes... Like I said, we were psyched.

When we enrolled her, she was the first kid on the waiting list for next year. That's pretty awesome, because a couple months ago the waiting list was up to 13 already (and there's only 40 kids in her grade). I have been checking in with the woman who deals with enrollment there on a fairly regular basis, and two weeks ago she said that I should call her today, that she might have an answer for me.

She didn't.

31 of the 40 kids are definitely coming back next year-- she's waiting to hear from the families of the other 9. Now, I know that 9/40 is almost 1/4 of the kids, so there's still hope, but I felt like someone had blown a hole in my sails. Wind was still pushing me forward, but I wasn't moving as effectively as I had been, you know?

I came to realize just how much I had been counting on this change for next year. There are lots of reasons why we made the decision to only homeschool one next year, but I'm not going to go into all of that now (trust me, they're good reasons). But suddenly I felt scared/hopeless/defeated. Those are not feelings that I generally try to round up and deal with, instead of pulling up a chair and inviting them to the table. (Seriously, I don't usually speak in analogies like this. I just saw the movie "12 Angry Men" on TV last night, and I think that's what did it.) Thankfully, I remembered to bring these things in coversation to my savior.

The first scripture that came to my mind was simple, but profound. "Wait for the Lord." OK, so that's PART of a scripture-- Psalm 27:14-- but today, this is the part that struck me as profound. I have to trust His timing. He heard me when I prayed. Those prayers didn't go away. But the answer is not always when I would like it.

After that, I remembered, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9. Now I know that in its context, this was a command for Joshua to go over to Jericho and the promised land. God's not asking me to do that. Heck, if I thought that walking around the charter school for 7 days would do the trick, I'd be all over that. :D BUT, I have been learning this past year how to take those words and apply them to ME. Sometimes as a mom, I'm absolutely terrified. I'm terrified of being a mom-- doesn't that sound silly? I know that I'm not the only one, but it just seems like I should FEEL like I know what I'm doing occasionally. :P But I need to remember not to keep LIVING in that fear. I don't have any reason to do that.

The third scripture that I remembered was, "Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." -Psalm 20:7. My brain then changed the words to "Some trust in charter schools, but I trust in the name of the Lord my God." Ha. I actually looked up at myself in the mirror and chuckled at that.

I wish I could say that after that third scripture and my little chuckle, I took a deep breath and stopped dwelling on it. Not so much. I mean, I've taken several deep breaths throughout the day, but I'm not perfected yet, so this one's going to take some work. However, I've remembered that if God is calling me to be courageous, then I can absolutely ask Him for help (RUN to him for help, actually), knowing that it's going to be in His will to help me remember that I'm standing on a solid rock no matter what the storm looks like.

I'm still hopeful that KK will be enrolled there for next fall. But now I'm also remembering that if not, it's because God has got it. He will not be surprised with whatever direction things go. He knows the beginning from the end. I just need to remember, moment-to-moment, to put my trust in Him.