Why do I wait so long?

I had completely forgotten that I have a blog. That's just silly.

I've been having one of those moments where I feel like I'm coming to the end of my rope, and that is exactly what this blog is supposed to be for me-- a place to share with everyone how ridiculously human I am and talk about what the power of God is/has been doing in and through me despite my human-ness. ;)

For anyone just finding this blog who knows nothing about me-- since the last post I wrote, my younger daughter was, in fact, accepted to our local charter school, and she started attending back in February. My older daughter has ALSO been accepted and will begin going to school there in about 9 days-- Aug 9. It's a year-round school, so they get big chunks of time out during the school year, and only have about a month-and-a-half break over the summer. It is a beautiful thing.

ANYWAY...

My older daughter (11 years old) has Asperger's Syndrome. I'm not going to delve into what that means right here, 'cuz I could take up half of your life with my ramblings if I tried to explain it all. So I'll direct those of you who are interested here: http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/Articles/What-is-Asperger-Syndrome-.aspx If you've got questions about what this means specifically for my daughter and/or our family, feel free to ask.

I've been having a really really really challenging time with her lately. Well, to be honest, I've been having a challenging time with her for about the past 7 years. I've got to be fair to myself for a moment here-- she is not an easy girl to handle. My younger daughter, KK,  is generally sunshine and rainbows. (YES, that's an exaggeration. She's a normal human being with her ups and downs, but she's a typical 10 year old and is therefore MUCH easier to deal with on a regular basis.)  Liz, on the other hand has these moments which I refer to as "meltdown mode" in which she is loud and angry and completely irrational. During those times, about all I can do with her is pray and help her remember to work on calming herself down. Talking to her during meltdown mode is completely ineffective. Sometimes she is unable to calm herself down in the moment, so I have to excuse her to her bedroom so that she can collect herself. Usually at some point it's like a light switch has been flipped and then she's completely fine again.

There have been times during Liz's life in which I've felt that I've been able to handle her fairly well. Those times I can only give credit to the fact that I've spent much of my time crying my eyes out before the throne of God. There is not (and has never been) one specific way to deal with her during meltdown mode moments.  Since I can't see into her mind/heart to know what'll work, I have to depend on the only one who can.

The last two years have been especially difficult in parenting her. My dad passed away two summers ago. That was the most physically/mentally exhausting period of my life. There were amazing moments, but I was further spent than I ever had been before, or have been since. Since that time, nothing has balanced out in my life the way that it used to. I'm having a much harder time in every moment taking deep breaths.

So what's going on? I know that God's power and his love for me and my family hasn't decreased in any way. Does that mean that my faith is decreasing? I don't think so. My trust for my Savior, my hunger for the Word of God, and my utter reliance on Him is what keeps me going every day. Is the "enemy of my soul" (the devil or his demons-- real creatures, but not worth focusing our lives on) winning a battle over me and my family? Absolutely not. My husband and I are continuing to commit ourselves into God's hands, and keep ourselves away from areas that would give him a reason to harm us.

Sometimes I think that I'm just INCREDIBLY hard headed. God knows that I'm unwilling to "give up" in any area of my life that I know He has, at some point, called me to. So, He allows circumstances in my life/body/mind/heart to change which almost FORCE my husband and myself into making different decisions for all of us. God knows the beginning from the end. I don't. All I know is that I want to be a vessel that His power can flow through. When I see my own human difficulties getting in the way, I get stubborn and want to keep staying the course. . .  even if other decisions that we could make would be equally good for our family-- they just wouldn't involve ME being the one His power is solely working through.

Sigh.  That's hard stuff to admit.

Why do I wait so long to see that maybe He's moving us in different diretions? Why do I wait so long to fall on my face before Him now and say that I can't do it, and I need him to take over for this moment and this moment and this moment...?

Why do I have such a difficult time saying that I'm tired right now and I'm human?